Heartbreak: When Love Ends and Healing Begins

Heartbreak is often spoken about softly, as if it is something we should “get over” quickly. Yet anyone who has experienced it knows the truth: heartbreak can feel consuming, disorientating, and deeply physical. It can shake your sense of safety, identity, and meaning.

As a coach specialising in relationships and wellbeing, I want to begin by saying this clearly: heartbreak is not a personal failure. It is a human response to loss.

And it deserves understanding, not minimisation.

What Is Heartbreak, Really?

Heartbreak is the emotional and physiological response to the loss of a meaningful attachment. While it’s most commonly associated with the end of a romantic relationship, heartbreak can also arise from unrequited love, betrayal, miscarriage, divorce, or the loss of a hoped-for future.

It is grief... combined with attachment disruption.

When a bond breaks, the mind is not just letting go of a person; it is letting go of routines, shared dreams, identity roles, and a sense of “us.” This is why heartbreak can feel so destabilising.

The Neuroscience of Heartbreak

Heartbreak hurts because the brain experiences it as pain.

Neuroscience research shows that emotional rejection activates the same brain regions involved in physical pain. This is why heartbreak can manifest as chest tightness, nausea, exhaustion, or even literal aches.

Romantic love also engages powerful neurochemicals:

• Dopamine, linked to reward and motivation

• Oxytocin, associated with bonding and safety

When a relationship ends, the brain experiences a sudden drop in these chemicals. This creates something similar to withdrawal, leading to cravings, intrusive thoughts, and an urge to “check” or reconnect, even when we know it isn’t healthy.

At the same time, the body’s stress response is activated. Cortisol rises. Sleep is disrupted. Appetite changes. The nervous system shifts into survival mode.

In other words, heartbreak is not weakness, it is biology responding to loss.

Common Symptoms of Heartbreak

Heartbreak can look and feel different for everyone, but common experiences include:

• Persistent sadness or emotional numbness

• Rumination and mental replaying of conversations

• Anxiety, restlessness, or irritability

• Sleep disturbances

• Changes in appetite

• Loss of concentration or motivation

• Questioning self-worth or meaning

• Physical sensations such as chest heaviness or fatigue

These symptoms can feel frightening, but they are normal responses to attachment loss. They do not mean something is “wrong” with you.

Healing Heartbreak: A Mindful, Evidence-Based Approach

Healing does not mean erasing pain. It means learning how to be with pain without being consumed by it, while slowly rebuilding safety, meaning, and self-trust.

1. Allow the Grief

Heartbreak needs space, not suppression. When emotions are pushed away, they often return louder.

From an emotional regulation perspective, simply naming feelings...

“this is sadness,” “this is longing,” “this is grief”

...helps calm the brain’s threat system. This process, known as affect labelling, reduces amygdala reactivity and makes emotions more manageable.

Grief moves when it is acknowledged.

2. Use Mindfulness to Anchor the Nervous System

Mindfulness does not remove pain, but it changes our relationship to it.

Simple practices, such as slow breathing, body scans, or grounding through the senses, help shift the nervous system out of fight-or-flight and into a state of relative safety.

A gentle starting point:

• Place one hand on your chest

• Lengthen the exhale slightly longer than the inhale

• Notice sensations without judging or analysing them

This supports the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps us respond rather than react.

3. Work With the Body, Not Just the Mind

Heartbreak lives in the body.

Somatic approaches such as walking, stretching, yoga, or gentle movement help release stored tension and regulate stress hormones. Even small daily movements signal to the nervous system that life is continuing and that the body is safe.

You don’t need to “fix” the pain, just support the system holding it.

4. Understand the Pull to Reconnect

The urge to check messages, revisit memories, or reach out is often driven by dopamine withdrawal rather than love itself.

This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real, it means your brain is seeking relief.

Reducing exposure to triggers (social media, repeated contact) allows the reward system to stabilise. At the same time, consciously adding healthy dopamine sources - sunlight, novelty, music, movement, meaningful connection - supports emotional recovery.

5. Rebuild Identity and Meaning

One of the most painful aspects of heartbreak is the loss of who we were in the relationship.

Narrative-based reflection can help:

• Who am I becoming through this experience?

• What values do I want to live by now?

• What parts of myself deserve more space?

From a positive psychology perspective, meaning-making is a powerful pathway to post-traumatic growth. Pain does not define us but how we integrate it can transform us.

6. Lean Into Safe Connection

Humans heal in relationship.

Sharing your experience with emotionally safe people helps regulate the nervous system through co-regulation. Being seen without being fixed is often more healing than advice.

If support feels hard to access, working with a therapist or coach can provide a steady, compassionate container while you rebuild.

A Gentle Reframe Towards Healing

Heartbreak is not a sign that love was a mistake. It is a sign that you were capable of deep connection and that your love is no longer aligned.

Healing does not happen all at once. It unfolds in moments, through breath, self-compassion, boundaries, and the slow remembering of who you are beyond the loss.

And one day, often quietly, you will notice that your nervous system feels a little calmer. Your world a little wider. Your heart a little safer.

That is healing.